A new wave of panic waved over me as I tried to enter confidently and scan the hundreds of faces for a familiar face. Stairs, I saw the stairs, and knew that was where I was supposed to be. I couldn't wait to get away from the testosterone saturated crowd.
As I moved across the room I felt like prey as dozens of eyes followed my every move. Finally after what seemed like forever I reached the safety of the stairs and I made my way up, preparing myself to relax and calm my nerves.
Upstairs there was no sign of Nottingham's Mr Sex, Al, and all I saw was more men watching football on a large screen. I called and couldn't reach him, and I stood in the middle of it all feeling the panic rapidly rising.
My friend had gone to park the car. I felt totally out of place and incredibly uncomfortable. I decided a glass of wine might calm my nerves, and ordered a glass of the house wine, which was the only wine. Yup it was a man's pub for sure!
I stood at the side and surveyed my surroundings. This was not at all what I had expected. I had in mind an arty small crowd and a small intimate venue. I remember thinking it was odd to go from football to readings, but I was more concerned that I couldn't get hold of Al.
My breathing got shorter and shorter and my lip started quivering, my whole body shook uncontrollably. I was about to lose it! Sure enough the tears started rolling and I panicked. Big time! The realization of what I was about to do just hit me, and I was terrified!
Al finally called and said he was downstairs, and I was about to make my way downstairs when I realized I wasn't going to be able to take my wine, my bag and suitcase down the stairs safely with my 6" platform black sandles. Before you let you imagination run wild, I was wearing skinny jeans with these and a loose red check shirt, showing a tad of cleavage. It was Saturday night after all! ;-p
In the panic I had lost all ability to think rationally, and actually called Al back to ask him whether I could leave my case upstairs. "Er yes" he answered. Oh god how embarrassing! I desperately willed myself to get a grip.
As I made my way downstairs into the lions den, I tried to look around without making eye contact with anyone, which was incredibly difficult, especially when you can feel yourself being watched. I called Al again as I stood with my back to the door staring at the sea of faces.
The penny finally dropped. I was in the wrong pub! How could I have been so careless? I mean me, super planner, organiser that always likes to be early and prepared.
I had got into my head I was meeting Al at the Horn in the Hand! I have no idea why because I have never been to that pub, so how I got the name logged in my head as my meeting and performing place I have no idea!
Just then my friend arrived from parking the car. We both went up the stairs away from the prying eyes and I tearfully gave her the run-down of my little drama. She was very good, very calming and told me not to worry, she got herself a J20 and we decided we'd finish our drinks and make our way to the correct pub, The Hand on the Heart.
Time was getting on and being late made me panic even more. I was supposed to meeting Al at 5pm, to go through all the questions I was going to be asked about my book that evening at The Left Lions Circus Extravaganza. I was due on at 6.45 and it was now 6pm.
I had been planning and preparing all day, but my friend turned up late and it was one big rush and disaster from there on in continuing with getting stuck going around the one way system in town.
We had to go back to the car and then re-park somewhere else. I made it to the pub at 6.15 and Al and I finally linked up. I was embarrassed, tearful and apologetic. I hate being late. We got drinks and sat in the corner of the pub and both briefly looked over the questions. I'd written down all my answers, not because I needed to learn them, I know what my thoughts are, but I was terrified I was going to forget, and that the pressure and nerves was going to disable my speech!
Although I could still feel panic, I was no longer upset. I was just concious acutely of nerves. My heart was hammering in my chest and I couldn't take a full breath.
Three friends had come to show their support so it was great to see some familiar faces. I was talking upstairs so shortly before I made my way up. Entering quietly I heard the last of some inspiring poetry. I scanned the crowd. They were all listening intently and definitely looked as I expected them to look - arty and studenty and very relaxed and chilled. Some were sitting on the floor and others on chairs and stools around the side. There must have been 30-40 people, so it wasn't too many. I still didn't relax though I was still terrified!
When the poetry finished there was a short break before me and Al took to the stage, and Al and I both nipped out for a crafty cig. I'm not a smoker, I'm one of those annoying social smokers that pick and choose when I want a cig, and it's usually when I'm out and having a few drinks, and it's usually dependent on whether I am out with smokers or not.
The ten minute break went quickly and we positioned our two chairs with a table in front of us for our glasses of water. Taking my seat next to Al, James introduced us. I thought I'd try and forget that I was in front of an audience and that I was just talking to Al. I was very comfortable with him and he can talk for England and oozes confidence so I tried to relax. He introduced me and asked if I wanted to read the extract I had suggested from my book. I was already there I was going to have to talk so I thought 'sod it' I may as well do as much as I can. Hell if I can jump into bed and be intimate with a random stranger and pretend to be a girlfriend this should be a walk in the park. Shouldn't it?
Deep breaths, talk slowly and clearly and I think I did. I did not look up. I then got a clap! Wow ok now for the questions. I did ok I think. I tried to be funny a few times and people laughed in the right places. I was by no means relaxed but it wasn't as bad as I had mounted it up to be in my head.With the way I was acting anyone would have thought I was going to be talking on stage to 1000 people all sitting down in suits!
It's the story of my life. I'm a serial worrier and even though I know that things are never as bad as I think they're going to be, it doesn't stop from escalating them in my head and making a situation as scary and daunting as possible! Talk about being hard on yourself and not making life easy! I'm not proud to say but I am the master of this.
We got to the end of the questions quickly and even though I am sure I missed out a few points I wanted to make, and stumbled a bit, I really think I did ok. When the questions were opened up to the floor, I got apprehensive. Was there going to be some raging feminist that was about to rip me apart? No, just some genuinely interested nice people with great questions, nothing too probing, uncomfortable or intrusive.
It was over before I knew it, and I got another clap! :) I sold 2 books and a couple of people complimented me after, which was nice.
I could finally relax with my friends, get another glass of wine - large - and have another ciggie, before going back to the upstairs room to listen to Al's readings. They were hilarious. He has the perfect face and voice for telling his funny stories. When he looks dead pan above his glasses, pauses, and slowly talks through his antics and letters he received as an editor of top shelf magazines, the whole room was roaring with laughter!
A massive thank you to James and the rest of the Left Lion crew for inviting me on the gig, and for organizing it all and to Al for guiding me patiently through my first public speaking. I hope the Left Lion Extravaganza will be a regular thing!
PS; thankfully my lip had healed apart from a small scab that easily covered with a bit of makeup :)
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